Trading Mom Guilt for Rest

We’ve all been there. The kids are finally asleep, or playing in the other room. You have a rare window of free time. You sit down on the couch, close your eyes, and prepare to take a deep breath.

Then, right on cue, the voice starts whispering:

“You should be folding that laundry.”

“Why aren't you prepping healthy snacks for tomorrow?”

"That bathroom's not going to clean itself."

“Shouldn’t you be playing a developmental game with them instead of sitting here?”

Suddenly, your attempts at resting feel like a crime. Welcome to mom guilt—the universal thief of maternal peace. For generations, mothers have been conditioned to believe that our worth is measured by our productivity and our self-sacrifice. But here is the hard truth:

Burnout is not a badge of honor, and an exhausted mother cannot pour from an empty cup.

It is time to officially trade any and all mom guilt for intentional, restorative rest. Here is how you're going to make the shift.

Rest is not a reward

If you're like a lot of moms I know, you probably treat rest like it's a prize you've earned after completing your Herculean to-do list. In fact, you may not even allow yourself to rest if you haven't completed your list.

Think about that for a moment - would you ever tell a friend she didn't deserve rest because she hadn't crossed off enough items on a list she made up herself? Of course you wouldn't! So why do you talk to yourself that way?

Rest isn't something you earn - your body needs it. You were made in the image of your Creator and He demonstrated the rhythm our lives need to follow when He created the world - He worked and then He rested. So why do you feel like you have to work 24/7 in order to earn rest? This is a lie from the enemy and one you need to stop listening to today!

Think of it this way - your cell phone can't run endlessly. Eventually, you have to plug your phone in and recharge it so you can continue to use it, and I'm guessing you don't wait until it's dead to charge it - you plug it in once it's at low battery because you need it to keep functioning. In this way, you are like your phone - you need to recharge to keep functioning, and that means you need to allow your mind and body to rest.

Quiet and rest aren't the same thing

You might be thinking, okay, I need to rest - guess I'll wait until the kids are asleep and everything is quiet so I can rest. But here's the key - quiet and rest are not the same thing. Just because you're sitting quietly in a chair, on the couch, or sprawled out on the floor does not mean you're resting. Is your mind racing over all the things you still need to get done? Are you reliving all the mistakes from today and beating yourself up? Are you starting to see how being quiet does not equal rest?

Your body may be still, but your mind is spending a lot of mental energy in that quiet space.

So if quiet and rest aren't the same, then what is rest and how do you do it? The answer is easy to say and harder to do, but I'm going to help you start practicing it today so that eventually it will come naturally for you.

Real rest requires letting go of the mental load.

If you were carrying a heavy bag of food, you would have no problem setting it down to give yourself a break. When it comes to setting down the burden of the lists and thoughts racing through your mind, however, it's a little harder to do. One method for setting down a mental load is to get it out on paper. Grab a pen or a pencil, not your phone or table, and write out your to-do list or whatever else is filling up your thoughts before you sit down or lie down to rest. Doing this helps to get those lists out of your head and essentially "park them" somewhere outside of your brain, allowing your brain to truly rest.

Perfectionism is out and normal is in

Be honest, how often are you trying to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect woman? No matter what your idea of perfect is, if you're striving to reach that standard, you need to remember that perfection is unattainable and the longer and harder you try to get there, the more frustrated and burned out you're going to be. You're causing yourself to feel guilt over something that doesn't exist and that you cannot attain.

Maybe your idea of the "good mom" comes from what you see on social media, moms you see out in public, or even some moms in your group of friends. It's important for you to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect mom and that what you see online or in person is not real, it's perception. Online posts are curated images and highlight reels, not the nitty gritty of daily life. The way people behave in public is also usually the best version of themselves because that's what they're comfortable showing.

Your kids don't need a flawless, Pinterest-perfect mother. They need you - just calm, happy, and present you as their mom. This isn't to say that there will be times you're not calm, happy, or present, but the point is that your kids don't need a perfect mom. If lowering the bar for you means not getting all the dishes cleaned before bed or ordering takeout instead of cooking dinner, then do that! Find the areas in your life where you can release unrealistic expectations so that you can truly enjoy the time you have with your family and leave guilt behind.

How boundaries help

I'm sure you've heard the expression that good fences make good neighbors. This statement may be corny but it's true, and the reason it's true is that clear boundaries help avoid and prevent conflicts. Boundaries can also help you become the mother you want to be. It may seem odd that you need to set a boundary with yourself, but here's how it works.

When you think about the things that cause mom guilt for you, choosing rest over completing chores is probably one of the biggest triggers. With that in mind, the first few times you choose to rest rather than complete one more item on your to-do list, you will feel guilt. Please hear me, feeling guilt does not mean you're doing something wrong. Sit with the discomfort of feeling guilt but DO NOT give into it. Here's what's going to happen - as you sit in the discomfort, you are training your brain and your body that this is a trigger that is not serving you anymore and you need it to be silenced. It will take a few times of doing this before you begin to notice that this internal alarm is slowly being silenced.

Additionally, if you need to, you can tell your family that "Mommy is taking a break (or time out) and will come back when she's done resting." Once you've said that, step away and do just that. This is what setting a boundary looks like and the more you practice this, the more your brain will realize and accept that the world isn't going to fall apart just because you took a break.

Trade your guilt for gratitude

I hope by now you are committed to trading any mom guilt you've been feeling for true rest. I wish I could tell you this is a one and done type of situation, but you may find that guilt tries to sneak back in through a different door. When that happens and you feel that familiar sting of guilt trying to ruin your rest, choose to change what you say to yourself.

Instead of saying - "I should be doing something else". 

Replace it with this - "I am taking care of myself so I can take care of my family."

On an airplane, they tell you that you have to put your oxygen mask on yourself first and then help your child. Just like that, when you choose rest, you aren't neglecting your children, you're actually modeling an important life skill for them and also giving them the best version of you. When you're rested, you have more patience, more calm, and are able to pour from a full cup.

So, go ahead. Leave the laundry. Close your eyes. Trade the guilt for peace. You have earned the right to just be.