I Feel the Need - the Need for Control

I've been asking myself lately if I struggle with the need for control. Specifically, the need to control others. When I'm done laughing at myself over the obvious answer to the question, I then follow up with another question - why? - I have enough to manage with my own responsibilities and schedule. Why on earth would I waste so much time trying to control anyone else and their choices?

Yes, I said "waste" because that's exactly what I'm doing when I try to control others - wasting my own time and energy. Why do I do this? Why do any of us do this? We all know that we have literally no control over another person, and yet we continually choose to believe that if we try harder, use a different tactic, or implement a new technique, maybe this time we will succeed in our efforts to control them.

I know - deep down in my gut of guts - that I cannot control another human being on this planet. So the obvious question is, again, why do I or any of us keep trying to control other people, especially those we love?

I believe this desire to control others stems from our own fears - fears we have about the type of situation our loved one is creating for him or herself, fears for the consequences we know are coming as a result of his or her choices, and maybe, fears of how their choices are going to impact us.

Some of us try to manage another person's behavior because we think it will maintain harmony or avoid pain in the relationship. Unfortunately, the act of trying to control another person is usually what brings discord and pain into the relationship.

Most of us are very good at detecting when someone is trying to control us. I know I sure am! When this has happened, I have an immediate and strong reaction - that of a bronco refusing to be tamed. Don't laugh - I'm not exaggerating.

Let me give you an example of what I'm describing.

I grew up in Miami. You need to know this to understand just how excited I was to see snow in person for the first time as a senior in high school! My youth group was taking a sleeper bus up to a ski resort in North Carolina for the weekend. My mom helped me buy a pair of snow boots to ensure I was properly bundled against the arctic temperatures of this northern state.

I fell in love with these boots! They were red and warm and comfortable and BEAUTIFUL. I was so sad when the weekend ended, knowing I would probably never get to wear them again. As we rode home, a thought occurred to me,"I can wear these boots to school if I want because the classrooms are air conditioned and I'm not outside for a crazy long time during the day". With my mind made up, I looked forward to going to school on Monday.

I had no intentions of wearing my boots for more than a few days, because even I had to admit that there was no way to be comfortable in snow boots in South Florida.

Little did I know that an epic struggle for control was about to occur.

With all the confidence of a high school senior, I wore my boots to school. I didn't notice anyone giving me looks and my friends didn't care that I was wearing unseasonal footwear. All in all, I had had a really good day at school with my beautiful red boots! That is, until I went downstairs to find my mom and go home.

Some boy that I didn't even know decided it was his place to make a snide remark about my snow boots. I don't remember what he said, and I don't even remember if I responded, but I do remember how his words made me feel.

I determined then and there that no stupid, skinny, annoying, freshman boy was going to make me feel like I couldn't wear what I wanted!

I remember thinking that if I wore something other than my boots the next day, he would think he'd "won". What he would have won, I'm not sure, but I was not about to let that happen.

When I say I determined not to let him win, I cannot emphasize how much I dug in. I think it's safe to say I wore those boots every day for the next two months! I had never planned to do that. In fact, I probably would have worn them for a week and been done. All it took was the sensation of someone else trying to control me to get me to rebel with everything in my being.

---

While that story is really kind of silly, it clearly illustrates the desire deep within each of us to not be controlled by another person.

There is so much to say on the topic of control but what I want to focus on today is this - when you give up on trying to convince yourself that you can control another person, you will experience a relief and freedom that you didn't even know you needed. You will suddenly be taking in slower, deeper lungfuls of air and wondering why you have been denying yourself this freedom for so long.

Every time you notice yourself trying to control someone else:

Stop.

Take a deep breath.

Take another deeper breath.

Let it out slowly.

Focus on the One who is in control and release your will to control.

As a Christian, I know that God is in control and holds all things together. Yet how often I throw a tantrum and demand like a little child - "I do it!". Lately, I've been trying to focus on this aspect of my life and consciously make the effort to release every attempt to be in control.

One of my favorite passages on this topic is from Philippians 2:3-4. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others."

When we act from a place of humility, a deep understanding of our need for God's grace and mercy, we can't help but start letting go of the need to control. Growing up, I was taught that an acronym for joy was Jesus, Others, You. The adult teaching the lesson said that we should put ourselves last. I never liked that because I didn't like the idea of not thinking about myself until after I'd thought about everyone else. As an adult, I still don't like that acronym. I think it's a misunderstanding of Bible passages like the one I just shared from Philippians.

Yes, it says to value others above yourselves, but it's spoken in the context of looking at how great your resources are and seeing whether you can aid someone else who is in need, rather than thinking about how to acquire even more for yourself.

In Luke 10:27, we read the words of Jesus. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself." How can you love your neighbor as yourself if you're putting yourself last? Jesus knows how much we love ourselves, and not all of the ways you love yourself are selfish. In fact, when you think about how you take care of your need for food, clothes, shelter, health, enjoyment, and more, can you begin to see how much Jesus was telling you to love others?

Mind blowing, right?

I know I will be practicing loving others more than trying to control them until the day I walk into eternity, but what better way to spend my time than trying to love others the way Jesus said?

If you're tired of wasting your time and energy trying to control other people, then I invite you to join me on this journey.