Two Sides of the Same Coin: Why Mom Guilt Doesn't Care About Your Job Status

If you're like me and spend time scrolling through social media, you're bound to see it - the collective sigh of exhausted mothers everywhere. It doesn't matter if you're a mom who works in a corporate office or a mom who manages a chaotic household, there is one thing we all have in common - mom guilt.

Lately, social media has been flooded with raw, honest videos of moms acknowledging that they feel like they are constantly falling short. Working moms feel guilty for missing their kids' milestones and stay-at-home moms (SAHMs) feel guilty for wanting a break from theirs. So whether you're a SAHM or a mom who works outside the home, if you've been struggling with mom guilt, this post is for you.

Let's look at three reasons why it feels impossible to find a balance in life and then discover how you can rewrite the narrative.

The "Grass is Always Greener" Illusion

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. This is a statement familiar to all of us, and we know the purpose is to remind us that it's all about your perspective, but when we get caught up in the daily grind of life, it's very easy to believe the illusion is reality - especially when you look at social media.

1. The mom who works outside the home sees pictures and posts that make the SAHM life look like it's full of slow mornings, park playdates, and stress-free parenting.

2. The SAHM sees pictures and posts that make the working-mom life look like it's full of adult conversations, quiet commutes, and an identity outside of being "mom".

The problem is that while there are pieces of truth in these types of posts, they don't reveal the full story for either side:

1. The stay at home mom wishes she wasn't listening to the 164th argument or meltdown of the day, longs for the ability to go to the bathroom in private, and to have someone look at her as more than just a source of food and entertainment.

2. The mom who works in an office wishes she wasn't missing so many of her child's milestone moments, constantly questions whether she's doing enough for her kids, and longs for the freedom to attend daytime school events and field trips.

The reality?

• Both moms are looking at curated highlight reels and not real life.

• Both moms have very demanding roles.

• Both moms struggle with envy of the other, which only fuels their belief that their current choice is wrong.

The Identity Split: Excelling Here Means Failing There

At the core of this struggle for every mom is the belief that if "I do a great job where I am then I must be failing at where I should be." For example, stay-at-home moms frequently struggle with wondering whether they should get a job to help support the family financially. In fact, this can be a source of conflict in the marriage because only the husband is bringing in money. It doesn't matter that the wife is caring for, educating, and nurturing their children in addition to taking care of household chores, meals, and more - because in her mind, she's not doing enough until she's doing all that and earning an income.

For the mom who works outside the home, the struggle frequently kicks in when she sees other moms, usually the moms of kids her kid is friends with, posting pictures from the event at school, the field trip they all went on together, playdates in the park, and so on. She feels deep guilt that she is not being present for her child the way she should be, that she's missing important milestones, and that her child may feel resentment toward her for not being at these activities. She believes that she's not doing enough for her family because she's only earning an income and taking care of the home, but not spending "enough" time with her children.

The problem is that depending on which type of mom you are and the posts you're looking at, you're seeing one of two messages from society - 1. you should work like you don't have children OR 2. you should raise children like they aren't work.

The reality? No mom, including you, can give 100% of herself to two different places at the same time. Success in one area does not mean failure in the other.

Burnout is Universal (Regardless of Your "Clock-In" Time)

One of the biggest and most dangerous myths for moms to believe is that one type of parenting is inherently easier or less stressful than the other. This is a lie that serves only to create a toxic comparison dynamic.

Working a 9-to-5 desk job requires intense mental and emotional energy. Managing kids, cooking, and running to appointments is also a job that requires intense mental and emotional energy. Neither is inherently easier or better, just different. In fact, whether you stay at home or work outside the home, you are going to experience intense burnout if you don't have the support and rest you need.

It's important to acknowledge and accept that both roles are exhausting and demanding, because this is when you stop comparing and start finding community. It's when you stop envy, guilt, and resentment in their tracks and start finding support, encouragement, and peace.

Ditch the "Universal Yardstick"

What I hope you hear by now is that whether you stay at home with your kids or work outside the home, you are bound to experience mom guilt. The key thing is to remind yourself of this:

Doing your best IS enough!

There is no "universal yardstick" to measure yourself against to tell if you're doing a good job as a mom. The fact that you care whether you're doing a good job should be enough to tell you that you ARE a good mom. Simply put, a good mom cares enough to examine what she does and then continues to do what is working and helpful and adjusts or eliminates what is not. That's it.

So listen to this, please, it doesn't matter if you put on office clothes or sweat pants because your kids don't need you to be anything other than who you are. They don't need a perfect mom because there is no such thing. They just need you to be present in their lives, engaging with them, teaching them, and loving them.

If you're still struggling with trying to achieve an impossible balance of doing and being everything for everyone, let's chat. I want to help you learn how to stop running on fumes and experience true joy in motherhood without adding anything else to your plate. If this sounds good to you, reach out and let's figure out the next best step together.