The Energy Cost of Mom-Guilt (and how to break the cycle)

Motherhood is wonderful, awesome, fun, and HARD! No one warns you about just how hard it can be, and to be fair, I don't think they could truly prepare you even if they wanted to. There's just no way to fully understand the weight of the guilt you feel the moment after you snap at your kids because you just finished cleaning the dishes, putting laundry away, and vacuuming the floor, only to turn around and find your kids making a giant mess with playdoh on the carpet and walls. You love your kids, you didn't mean to snap at them, but the sheer frustration and aggravation you felt as a result of their actions just washed over you, you snapped in anger, and now you're drowning in guilt. While this is completely understandable, it's not helpful for you, and drains more of your energy, which is already limited. Let's look at how you can break this cycle and stop letting mom-guilt drain your energy.

The Invisible Drain of Hyper-Vigilance

As a mom of young kids, you are already well aware of what it means to feel like you're in a constant state of hyper vigilance. It's just a matter of fact that kids don't make the best choices and need their moms to be on the lookout for when they're about to get hurt or regret a decision. In addition to this, you never know when you're kid is going to have a meltdown (usually in the most public setting possible), make a giant mess, or find the one safety hazard you forgot to handle in or around your home.

Living in a state of hyper-vigilance means that your nervous system is running at high speed all day long. This is not a great place to parent from because you're trying to draw from a tank that is already fairly spent, which means that it's a matter of time when you'll snap, not if you'll snap. That random explosion of anger? It wasn't random, it was your brain finally hitting the wall of energy reserve and leaving you without resources. Snapping is like the blown fuse in an overloaded electrical circuit. This isn't to say you have no control over your emotions, because you do - but it does mean that just like you're careful not to overload any circuits in your house, you have to be aware of what you need so that you are not overloaded.

The High Energy Cost of the "Anger Hangover"

After that immediate burst of anger, you feel the energy drain, but that's just the beginning. The sudden spike of anger floods your body with cortisol and adrenaline, which causes your your heart rate and muscle tension to spike. Once that surge of chemicals is gone, they leave you feeling like you've crashed and are now completely exhausted. In addition to this, you get hit with waves of mom-guilt over being angry with your kids, which drains any remaining mental energy. Instead of spending time recovering your energy and peace, you waste your energy on beating yourself up. Does this sound familiar? Do you want to change this pattern and break the cycle? Good! Because we're going to look at how you can do just that!

Sensory Overload and the Empty Battery

Being a mom of young children means that you have a constant source of sensory input. When kids are constantly touching you, crying, asking questions, playing with loud toys, or fighting with siblings, it means that your senses are not getting a break. Constant noise and input means that your energy is draining faster than normal. It's natural that you snap in this type of environment, because it's your brain signaling that it can't take anymore. Snapping is your body's physical reaction to being overstimulated.

You need a quiet space to process information and recharge. Your brain needs a quiet space. Your soul needs a quiet space.

But you're a mom of young kids, so how do you get that quiet space?!

Reclaim Your Energy

Reclaiming your energy means that you need to prioritize time to rest. I'm not talking about a good night of sleep, although that is important too. I'm talking about rest where there is nothing pulling on your attention, your ears, or your arm. Rest is time that you carve out to just be present and do what restores your soul. This might include relaxing in a hammock, reading a book, or simply sitting on the bank of a lake and watching the animals and people around you. In order to rest, this means that you need to first make it a priority. You do this by finding a time in your day that works best for you, and ask your spouse, friend, or family member to watch your kids during that time so you can recharge.

As you start to break the cycle of snapping by prioritizing rest, you'll discover that your focus shifts from striving for perfection (not snapping) and moves toward prevention. Anger is an emotion, not a flaw in your character, or a fault in you as a mother. Just like the indicator lights on your car's dash, anger is an indicator that your needs are unmet, your battery is drained, and you need to take care of yourself.

When you feel anger rising, and you don't have someone else to step in and help, take a moment for yourself - a "mommy timeout" - step into another room and focus on slow deep breathing for just 60 seconds. This pause will help the logic part of your brain get back in the driver's seat, calm down your anger, and help you respond in a better way to your kids.

Last but not least, remind yourself that breaking a cycle takes time. Give yourself grace and continue working toward prioritizing rest for yourself. In the meantime, when you mess up, acknowledge your mistake with your kids and apologize. You'll be amazed at how you can turn your mistakes into teachable moments and deepen your relationship with your children.

If you'd like more help with mom-guilt or feelings of overwhelm and burnout, reach out and let me know. I'd love to help you stop running on caffeine and guilt!