The Uncomfortable Truth Behind Your Parenting Meltdowns

We all know kids have meltdowns, anytime and anyplace, regardless of audience. Maybe less well known are parenting meltdowns. As adults, we are careful most of the time to keep negative emotions and reactions in check. Sometimes, our emotions get the best of us and before we realize we're doing it, we're yelling over spilled milk, feeling a spike of instant irritability, and handling a situation with zero patience.

It's easy to think that these events stem from a poor night of sleep or are just your reactions to the misbehavior of your kids. What if instead, your reactions are the result of an overflow of resentment that you're carrying toward someone else?

While I'm not trying to step on your toes, I want to encourage you to take time to see if unforgiveness might be affecting how you show up as a mom. Looking back, I know it did for me, and if I can help you see this sooner and make the changes you need, then we can stop this cycle of resentment before it steals another day.

Step 1 - Track Your Disproportionate Reactions

One way to become aware of whether unforgiveness is a problem, is to start tracking the moments where your anger doesn't match your child's mistake. Just like you might track your daily food intake when you're trying to lose weight, you should track the events and your reactions.

For example, if your child forgets their shoes or drops a cup, what is your response? Do you feel a blinding flash of anger or just mild annoyance?

As you track your reactions, it's important to make note of any other indicators that could influence your response such as a stressful event at work, a poor night of sleep, or stress within the family.

An extreme reaction to a minor event is emotional overflow. The anger isn't a true response to your child's forgetfulness or accident. It comes from emotions attached to a past offender, but unfortunately, your child is the safest target within arm's reach.

Step 2 - Identify the Flashback Triggers

If you've ever looked back at a moment and realized that it reminded you of your own hurt, that could very well be a trigger for you that flashes back to a painful memory. Here's how you can tell if your child's behavior is triggering a memory or if your reaction was in direct proportion to the behavior.

When your child acts out or misbehaves, pay attention to whether your mind instantly jumps to the person who hurt you. For example:

• They're acting just like my ex

• I'm turning into my mother

If this is your thought process, it means that you're viewing your child through the lens of past trauma, which is making it incredibly difficult for you to clearly see and parent them in the present.

Step 3 - Check Your Exhaustion Levels

If you've followed me for any length of time, you know I talk about my desire to help you stop running on caffeine and guilt. On that note, it's important to evaluate just how much energy it takes to get through an average morning. It's natural that some mornings require a ton of energy because you didn't sleep well, trying to get your kids moving in one direction is like trying to herd cats, or you're recuperating from a very busy weekend. However, this should not be the norm.

If you're regularly waking up feeling defensive the minute your eyelids pop open, or have a sense of heaviness about you, or feel completely drained before your kids even speak to you, these are clear indicators that your exhaustion level is pushing you to a breaking point and is likely coming from something deeper than a busy weekend.

Holding a grudge or choosing not to forgive someone, requires massive amounts of mental energy from your subconscious. You don't realize the energy you're spending because it's not happening in the conscious part of your brain. The reason you have no patience left for your kids is that your brain is using all of its energy to maintain the wall of resentment.

Letting it Go Step 1

You need to consciously separate your child from the person who hurt you so that you are not taking out your frustrations on your kids. One way to do this is to write down the name of the person who hurt you and what it is that you feel they owe you - like an apology. This act helps you to draw a boundary line between what happened with another person in the past and what is happening with your children in the present.

Letting it Go Step 2

This is one of the easiest things to say and one of the hardest things to do - stop viewing forgiveness as giving a favor to the person who hurt you. As Christians, we know that God commands us to forgive, but it can be so hard to reconcile our logical thoughts with our emotions.

It's important to remember that when you forgive someone, you're not saying what they did was okay, you're not giving them permission to come back into your life or reconcile, nor are you saying that you are choosing to forget what they did and absolve them of any consequences. You are simply deciding that they do not get to impact your emotions and they way you treat your children.

Letting it Go Step 3

If you haven't yet, start praying that God will help you to fully forgive the hurt and let it go from your heart and mind. In doing this, you'll be able to stop letting the memories of your past hurt impact your parenting or time with your kids. The next time you feel your emotions taking over, walk away to another room, pause for 5 -10 seconds, and tell yourself that you are not going to let (name) ruin the afternoon with your kids.

Holding onto anger means choosing to live in bondage to that emotion. Choose to be obedient to God's command to forgive, ask Him for His help, and take each step of forgiveness in faith that God will provide what you need, not only for your benefit, but for the benefit of your children and family.