How to Use Mom Guilt

Did you know that mom guilt can actually be useful? It may not seem that way at first glance, but stick with me, and I think you'll agree that it can serve a helpful purpose if you know what you're looking for. There are three specific ways you can use it to help you continue to grow and get stronger as a mom.

1. Stop Fighting It - Start Analyzing It

Trying to fight mom guilt is an exercise in futility and insanity. It's like that story about a pink elephant - if someone were to tell you not to think about a pink elephant, what's the first thing that pops into your head without permission? A PINK ELEPHANT!

That's what you think of, because it's what you're focused on. Trying to fight mom guilt doesn't work because like the pink elephant, it is what you're focused on. When mom guilt shows up, resist the urge to fight it and choose to analyze whatever situation is coming to mind.

For example, if it's trying to tell you that "you're ruining their childhood," a quick analysis would show you that statement is patently false. In fact, the truth is that you make sure your kids are well fed, have clean clothes, a comfortable space to call their own and a cozy bed to sleep in. With just those three examples, you can see how not only are you not ruining their childhood, you're giving them a safe, solid, and loving childhood!

Behind every lie from mom guilt, there is an objective truth, you just need to analyze the event rather than fight the emotion.

2. Use it to Drive Growth

None of us are perfect, and even though we know that in our heads, our hearts can forget that. Maybe that's why it can be so hard for us as moms when we see where we weren't as patient as we should have been or forgot something important to our child. Here's the exact point where you need to start pivoting.

Instead of letting mom guilt bury you in shame over every mistake, make the choice to look at what you said or did and then think about what you might do to improve your response the next time. When people mess up at work, they aren't fired on the spot, they're given the opportunity to figure out how to do better the next time around. Try to look at your parenting through the same lens - you're not perfect, you're going to mess up, and when you do, ask yourself what you can learn from it so you can continue becoming a better parent?

For example, if you look back over your day and realize you weren't as present with your kids, don't beat yourself up. Choose to think about tomorrow and and what you might do differently. You could greet your kids with lots of hugs and kisses first thing in the morning and tell them throughout the day how much you love being their mom. You could set a timer for 10 - 30 minutes where you put away all distractions, let them choose a game or a book, and give them your complete attention for that time.

Use mom guilt to drive growth by looking at your mistakes as opportunities to get better and make a plan for how you will do that.

3. Change the Story

Mom guilt tries to tell you you're a bad mom. It whispers that you're not loving enough, patient enough, happy enough, "whatever" enough. It tries to play a highlight reel of your worst moments at the end of the day when you need to unwind. Instead of sitting there letting it beat you up, change the story.

Make a list of all the things that you did today for your kids. You can write this list on a sheet of paper or say it out loud, but whatever you do, create a list of every single thing that you did today for your children.

Here are a few things you probably did that can help you get your list started:

• hugged and kissed them

• told them you loved them

• served breakfast

• watched them brush their teeth

• gave them toys to play with

• read books

That list doesn't even begin to cover your morning, so are you starting to see how long the list is going to be when you're done? How does that lie about you being a bad mom stack up to the facts? Does this mean you didn't mess up, say something you didn't mean to say, react harshly, or forget something? Of course not, but what this list does is provide a logical and clear picture of what a great mom you are so that you don't get caught up in the exaggerated emotional lies of mom guilt.

So when that reel of all your mistakes for the day tries to play in your head tonight, stop it in its tracks and focus on all the good moments from today - the laughter over a funny noise, playing tag outside, spending time together at dinner. That reel is the truth and the truth sets you free.

Mom guilt can impact your confidence and steal your joy. I help moms turn the volume down on this unhelpful voice with a variety of tools besides the ones mentioned in this post.

You can keep trying to piece together the free tips and tools I provide while staying exhausted, or you can fast-track your peace. My coaching program gives you the exact roadmap to enjoy your kids without sacrificing your identity. Send me a message with the word 'CALM' to claim your spot."